If you and your man are thinking of living together, read this first.
By Molly Triffin
Eyebrows raised when Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were recently spotted apartment-hunting in Manhattan. After all, shacking up is a serious—and sometimes controversial—step. “Living together can be a powerful way to strengthen and deepen your relationship,” says Marshall Miller, author of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple. “But if you make that leap before you’re both ready, it can harm your bond.”
Contemplating sharing an address with your man? Take a look at the checklist below—if you agree with five or more of the following statements, call the movers.
We typically spend five or more nights together each week. The more often you hang out, the better sense you’ll have of what it will be like to share a pad. Plus, you’ll go in with realistic expectations. If you know ahead of time that he leaves his dirty clothes all over the apartment and has an aversion to emptying the dishwasher, you won’t be as up in arms about these things when you live together. Miller also suggests gaging how you feel about spending nights apart. “If you look forward to sleeping alone and having your own space, that might indicate you’re not ready to move in with him.”
We’ve been dating for a minimum of six months. We tend to put our partners on a pedestal in the beginning of a relationship and are blind to their imperfections. For that reason, it’s important to wait until that honeymoon period ends before moving in. “After six months, you know your partner well, have a clear picture of the relationship, and know what you’re getting into, warts and all,” says Miller.
We’ve gone on a week-long vacation together and had a great time. When living together, you’ll have to make tricky joint decisions, like how to divide chores and expenses. A trip tests these same skills on a smaller scale. If you can agree to pay for the plane tickets while he foots the hotel bill, chances are you’ll be able to successfully navigate larger issues. Even more important: spending 24/7 together forces you to examine how much you enjoy each other’s company.
I have a drawer of clothes at his place and toiletries in his medicine cabinet and visa versa. You’ve already begun easing into cohabitation by merging your belongings, which is a sign that you’re ready to take it a step further, according to Miller. It also shows that you’re comfortable and enthusiastic about sharing your space.
We’ve had a conversation about the future and expressed that we want to be together long-term. It’s key that you’re in sync about life plans—i.e., you both want to move to Chicago or have kids in the next five years. “And make sure you’re on the same page about why you’re moving in together,” warns Miller. If one of you sees it as a precursor to getting engaged, and the other is doing it because it’s practical, don’t bother unpacking your boxes.
When we disagree, we can work through it and reach a solution that feels fair and reasonable for both of us. Living together is all about compromise, so if you’re able to address problems and resolve them, it’s a good indicator that you’ll be able to smooth over any bumps in the road while sharing a space. We want to be with each other as much as possible. Sure, splitting the rent and utilities is helpful, but it shouldn’t be your prime motivation.
By Molly Triffin
Eyebrows raised when Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were recently spotted apartment-hunting in Manhattan. After all, shacking up is a serious—and sometimes controversial—step. “Living together can be a powerful way to strengthen and deepen your relationship,” says Marshall Miller, author of Unmarried to Each Other: The Essential Guide to Living Together as an Unmarried Couple. “But if you make that leap before you’re both ready, it can harm your bond.”
Contemplating sharing an address with your man? Take a look at the checklist below—if you agree with five or more of the following statements, call the movers.
We typically spend five or more nights together each week. The more often you hang out, the better sense you’ll have of what it will be like to share a pad. Plus, you’ll go in with realistic expectations. If you know ahead of time that he leaves his dirty clothes all over the apartment and has an aversion to emptying the dishwasher, you won’t be as up in arms about these things when you live together. Miller also suggests gaging how you feel about spending nights apart. “If you look forward to sleeping alone and having your own space, that might indicate you’re not ready to move in with him.”
We’ve been dating for a minimum of six months. We tend to put our partners on a pedestal in the beginning of a relationship and are blind to their imperfections. For that reason, it’s important to wait until that honeymoon period ends before moving in. “After six months, you know your partner well, have a clear picture of the relationship, and know what you’re getting into, warts and all,” says Miller.
We’ve gone on a week-long vacation together and had a great time. When living together, you’ll have to make tricky joint decisions, like how to divide chores and expenses. A trip tests these same skills on a smaller scale. If you can agree to pay for the plane tickets while he foots the hotel bill, chances are you’ll be able to successfully navigate larger issues. Even more important: spending 24/7 together forces you to examine how much you enjoy each other’s company.
I have a drawer of clothes at his place and toiletries in his medicine cabinet and visa versa. You’ve already begun easing into cohabitation by merging your belongings, which is a sign that you’re ready to take it a step further, according to Miller. It also shows that you’re comfortable and enthusiastic about sharing your space.
We’ve had a conversation about the future and expressed that we want to be together long-term. It’s key that you’re in sync about life plans—i.e., you both want to move to Chicago or have kids in the next five years. “And make sure you’re on the same page about why you’re moving in together,” warns Miller. If one of you sees it as a precursor to getting engaged, and the other is doing it because it’s practical, don’t bother unpacking your boxes.
When we disagree, we can work through it and reach a solution that feels fair and reasonable for both of us. Living together is all about compromise, so if you’re able to address problems and resolve them, it’s a good indicator that you’ll be able to smooth over any bumps in the road while sharing a space. We want to be with each other as much as possible. Sure, splitting the rent and utilities is helpful, but it shouldn’t be your prime motivation.
